I feel numb. Everything around me feels like a black hole. A hole of nothingness dragging me to my doom. Never ending , boundless space having no escape. I want to go and tell my parents.. mom- dad- I feel exhausted. I feel mentally exhausted. I need help. But will my parents understand? I want to tell my best friend, but will my best friend understand? 

I know I need help. But I cannot ask for it. Because I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want unsolicited advices. I just need someone to understand me. I need someone to hear me out. I need someone to just be with me without judging me. Just a listening ear. And maybe I need a hug. May be I need the warmth of love that will give me assurance that everything will be alright. This too shall pass.
Is this too much to ask for?

I feel its hard for anyone to understand me and so I simply choose to lay down on my bed with eyes wide open and uncontrollable tears falling over my cheeks. The nothingness in my mind takes me to a lonely planet where I find no hope, no love, no body, no thing. Left all alone where nobody can reach. Again. I feel a pain deeper than any cut, any wound and my heart bleeding. I don’t know where is it coming from? 
Sometimes, the tears are so tired that they refuse to come out of my eyes. Sometimes, they dry up and never show up and sometimes they can’t stop rolling down as if all the worlds water resides in my eyes. 

I feel surprised at myself when I fake a smile to the outside world.. No wonder people never know what’s going on inside. Great job hiding ! Great job ! I have been playing this game of hide and seek since a long long time. A long long time. Its been days, months and years of me living in this extreme pain. I no longer wish for anything. I no longer hope for anything.. No matter how hard I try to step out of this pit, I keep falling down, deeper and deeper. Few came to lend a helping hand. But I chose to keep the door of my heart closed. And allowed no body to break the walls around me.. and allowed no body to help me. 

I have underestimated my powers, crushed my confidence and believed there was much more happening after death. Death has always made me curious. No pain, no feeling, nothing. How fascinating that life after death must be.. I stare at fan imagining death. I go on rooftop, look down and wonder what would happen if I just jump off. I stare at knife thinking how this small object would release me from all my sufferings.

I think about death and take a breath. Breath! That has been with me since day one. And its still here with me as I speak this.
Sure, life after death mesmerizes me but breath leaves me spellbound. Koi rahe na rahe meri saas hamesha mere sath hai.  No matter who stays or leaves, breath is always with me.
And if breath hasn’t given up yet, Why should I give up.

So, I decide..

Only for this breath, I want to live. 
Only for this breath, I want to move. 
Only for this breath, I want to be a little selfish and priorities my life.
Only for this breath I want to live a little more.
Only for this breath,
for this breath.

Listen to Self Talk Spotify and Amazon Music.

Watch “Saasein” on YouTube– post turned into movement.